how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
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