I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
