I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
thus making me awesome and them whores
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
