Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
