I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
