She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
