I didn't shave. On purpose
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
