Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
