Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
