rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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