her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She announced her abortion via fbk
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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