sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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