Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
