Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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