Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
