my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
