I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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