im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
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I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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