i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
