Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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