so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
