Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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