I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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