So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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