I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
