Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
