You work out of a Hotel?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
