Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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