i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
