My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
