you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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