i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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