Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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