I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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