If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Actions speak louder than pants.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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