I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday