One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
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Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
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Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.