Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?