I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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