Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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