...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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