the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my being single is dangerous.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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