i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
