So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
