two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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