The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
