New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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