i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
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My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao