i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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