This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
