how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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