That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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