life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
