There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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