I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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