There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
