ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
