Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
