I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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