I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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